Q: My 82 year old father’s health has declined
dramatically in the last 6 months and he now requires care. However, I live in
Los Angeles and he lives in Brooklyn, and there’s nobody back home in Brooklyn
to care for him. What should I do? Craig in California, 48
A: This issue comes up
constantly in my practice. I bet you are scared, overwhelmed, frustrated, and
upset all at once. Realize you are not alone. You do have options.
If possible, the first
thing to do is travel to see your father. Determine his exact medical condition
by meeting with his primary physician. Then speak directly with your elder. Ask
him how he is feeling and what kind of treatment he believes he needs. At no
time should your elder be treated like a child. Be sure you keep the
communication on an adult to adult basis. I get so upset when a care giver
treats her elder like a child. Determine exactly what his needs are and then go
about meeting them before you get back on that plane to return to your “normal
life.”
If your father does
require care that you, a sibling, or other friend or relative cannot provide, I
suggest you hire a professional Geriatric Care Manager. Why? In today’s hectic
world, very few of us have the time, energy, or expertise to care for an elder loved
one in ill health. You want to do all you can, but you can’t stop living your
own life, right?! You need help. Geriatric Care Managers are trained
professionals who visit your elder, make an assessment, then write a
comprehensive report that prioritizes what needs to be done. They can be your
eyes and ears as you return to your life. If you cannot accompany your elder to
their doctor’s visits, a Geriatric Care Manager will go in your place. They
often provide doctors with key information since when some elderly are asked,
“How are you feeling?” they stoically reply, “Fine,” and it may not be true.
You may be unable to fly
back to visit your father and assess the situation first hand. In my 30 years
as a Geriatric Care Manager, I often arrive at the home of an elderly person,
then walk back outside to check the address. Many children have no idea how bad
things are, since their elder hasn’t been entirely honest with them. Geriatric
Care Managers can provide you with a more exact picture of what is going on
with your elder in their time of need. The decision to hire a Geriatric Care
Manager could make a huge difference in your elder’s quality of life - and
yours.
Over the last 40 years,
Dr. Marion (Marion Somers, Ph.D.) has worked with thousands of seniors and
their caregivers as a geriatric care manager and elder care expert. It is now
her goal to help caregivers everywhere through her book (“Elder Care Made
Easier\"), iPhone apps (www.elder911.net) web site, columns, public service
announcements, and more. For more information, visit www.DrMarion.org